So I guess it’s proper that before I go on with this post, I actually acknowledge the fact that this would be my first LENGTHY blog post in this account that I made back in 2010. So, yay me! It’s actually weird now that I think about it. What else could I have posted all this time without actually composing an original text post? Oh yeah, I kept my tumblr up and going by reblogging EVERYTHING I see. Haha. My usual text posts were usually just like these twitter like headlines: “I don’t wanna go to school tomorrow” or “Thank you Mom for the food you brought home!”(which explains maybe why I got so hooked in Twitter when it came out). Oh, and my “originals” were also mostly just band pictures that I uploaded straight from my files(which is funny because I still got it from the net so duh, it’s still NOT an original.) Anyways, my point in this uber long introduction of what is still not the main topic of this post of mine is that this right here folks is my very first serious, wordy and personal (yes, I have to say PERSONAL) blog post in tumblr ever. So hurrah hurrah. I’ve finally made a big deal about it so let’s move on now shall we?
The time in my computer says 8:22 AM. I haven’t slept yet. I’ve been awake since 12 NN yesterday and I haven’t had a proper sleep nor a power nap, even. Yes, maybe you can call me an insomniac but I wouldn’t really consider that totally. Because the reason why I wasn’t able to get an hour or two of sleep is because I stayed up mercilessly browsing through online shops all over Facebook. All kinds of shop. From clothes, to the thrifty ones where they sell cheap ass (not to mention some of them really look like ass) clothes for 80/50/20 pesos, and those shops where they sell “As Seen On TV” products. I’ve seen it all. I don’t really remember how I got addicted last night to looking at those online stores but all I can remember is thinking how I would look with every dress/top/shorts that I saw. It was browsing for the sake of vanity and I gotta admit, I kinda wanted to buy some pieces.
Looking back now, I swear if Macy of 2008 would pop out of nowhere and sit beside me and see me with all these girly tabs, she would pull off the most judgmental face anyone ever saw. Oh yes she would. She would laugh in disbelief and ask me what the hell was I doing with my time. Our conversation would probably go like this:
Macy 08: What the heck are you looking at?
Macy now: Pretty stuff.
Macy 08: Ew, so you’re like one of those girls now?
Macy now: I don’t know. I just like the clothes. What’s your deal?
Macy 08: Nothing, I just think that, you’re supposed to be different, remember?
Yeah. Annoying Macy ‘08 right? Yes, that was me 5 years ago. So much has changed and still, I can’t get over the fact that I was just LIKE THAT annoying human being in High School, strutting out and about by how “different” she is from others. Just to elaborate further, I wasn’t exactly a popular kid then, but I wasn’t loser either.I was just one of those in the demarcation line of popularity and loserville in a place called HS. Yet, I still wouldn’t consider myself a “wallflower” because I was still noticed and loud, somehow. Moving on, Macy ‘08 pretty much prioritized individuality. She thought that it was the most important thing to possess back then. It came to a point that she thought that in order to possess individuality, you have to promote it endlessly, and so she did. She carefully developed a simple tee and jeans style to show everyone that she was first, “a simple girl”. Second, she was “A girl who didn’t care to look like a boy” and third, “a music lover”. Oh,those were the days where you had to look punk if you were into bands. I am ashamed. Haha. So she adopted that style and condemned what she thought was not her style. It was awfully wrong I know. At least I know that now. She promoted her so called individuality by defining her type of genre, artists, music that it came to a point again where she steered away from whatever was considered mainstream in the music scene. She always pointed out how each line from her favorite band’s songs directly applied to her life, proving that the band was HERS and a part of her individuality. Hence, she became selfish in what she liked and what she thought defined her. That was me a few years ago. It was a crazy and tumultuous change that I’ve gone through and thankfully, I eventually grew out of that dark cocoon and is now enlightened by new friends, environment and life that I discovered when I entered college. I finally embraced girly clothes, accepted whatever music my ears were pleased to listening to and didn’t feel bad whenever somebody had the same likes as I have.
Now, I realized that I totally got the wrong meaning of individuality back then. It wasn’t always about making a statement and showing the whole wide world who you are and what you stand for. I didn’t need to do all those attitude adjustments and wardrobe and music renovations because all along, I had the perfect individuality that was in me ever since I was born. I only needed to be myself. Sure, clothes would definitely help in bringing out that extra oomph in my Macy-ness but I didn’t have to pick and move aside the clothes that were “NOT” me. All I had to do was pick whatever I liked and not mind those that I didn’t. I guess this would also apply to everything else. I didn’t have to worry about being less “me” because that will never happen as long as I don’t think about it. I just have to let go and live my life as I please. So I guess, there’s no really harm in being a girly girl now. I don’t feel like I’m betraying myself because I know perfectly that this is ME, the real MACY picking out what she likes and not minding anything else. It’s a good feeling actually.
The funny thing is that, I feel more unique now than I was back in ‘08 when I put so much effort in trying to define who I was. Those were definitely the most screwed up self seeking period that I had in my life.
Hell, It feels good to finally being able to be myself at last.
It’s good to be back.